Writerx

Poly- (many) ticks (blood-sucking insects)

Okay, this morning whilst I was eagerly anticipating another six hours or so of wasted time (work), I happened to come across C-span on the old picture box. To my dismay, there before me stood perhaps the single most perplexing figure in recent American history. His name, as little as it actually matters, is Barack Hussein Obama.

The funny thing is, the man himself is about as complicated as a game of checkers. If anyone has any idea what his position on any issues are, I've got a crisp picture of George Washington waiting for you in my pocket (and rumor has it, if I had a few more, I could exchange it for merchandise at a store somewhere). While listening to the man speak, I came to realize a few things about life, baptists, African-Americans, and the art of mimicry.

The first revelation I had was a simple comparison. I realized that Barack Obama is about as useful as the attractive hostess who guides you to your table at middle-class restaurants. What are his policies? What does the man stand for? Why do I care? In his entire amen-laden presentation at a church in Selma, Alabama, not once did he stumble upon anything that even remotely resembled a policy. Oh sure, he moaned and cried about how African-Americans are denied all the "real" benefits of American societies, how most of the PhDs given out at some university went to whites, and affirmative action. But did he explain the logic behind any of his nonsese? Well, why should he? He's a democrat. In the vast right-wing conspiracy it's a given that rich whites are trying to undermine black advancement. (Although in this fairytale world I'm still trying to figure out how Obama even exists.)

The man is a cardboard cutout, a hologram, a political fashion model. He has all the depth and insight of a kindergartener, but I watch the light in young boys' eyes at college every day who think that Obama is God's gift to the American dream. What I'm trying to squeeze out of one of them is a single reasy why. So far all I'm getting is a) he's well-spoken, b) he's clean-cut, and c) he's black. Well whoopie. I have a neighbor who could be president. Someone should phone him.

In my short life I've come to realize something about politics and politicians: they don't know what the hell they're doing. While it's true that the tax-and-spend Republicans seem to have a slight advantage over democrats like Obama and his antichrist of an opponent Hillary Rodham Clinton, the whole lot of them make me want to put on a ski mask and grab a machetti.

For some reason I kept picturing Obama with a big red nose and a handful of balloons, and I kept trying to figure out why he'd suddenly developed this atrocious southern accent. "I tell y'all bishop, Gaaawd is with our people. HALLELUJAH! I said-ah GAAAWD will SAVE our people. Amen!" Please explain to me how anyone could possibly be stupid enough to buy Obama and his "Joshua generation" crap. I would say the man licks his lips with a forked tongue, but in order to do that I'd have to think he was intelligent enough to be conniving.

And whatever happened to that separation of church and state stuff anyway?

The party of change, indeed.

-A.J.

If you are reading this entry, it means that I have died. I have written a large and broad volume of works which will be made available posthumously by an unidentified individual in the result of my untimely demise. My hope was to publish these as a childrens book which would inevitably destroy the following: childhood, Islam, Mormonism, Michael Moore, Liberalism, Communism, Taco Bell, K-mart (whose pitiful resistence to Wal-Empire waxeth old), Scientology, Napoleon Dynamite, Benny Hinn, The Trinity Broadcasting Network, and Ford motor company (who I was informed by newsletter advertised in a homosexual ["queer" for the lay person] magazine末a full page, no less).

As it is, we will have to hope for the best and assume that you will all undertake your solemn duty of spreading these small trinkets of unsurpassed wisdom for me. Thank goodness everyone cares about blogs; I had almost begun to worry. Therefore, your first opportunity for doing something for someone greater than yourself draws nigh. Ready now? Are you? Are you....

"So...the Janitor's a Communist."

This evening while I was attending to my very technical and very esteemed lot in shutting down projectors and seeing the last gaggle of putrid middleschoolers to the door (beyond which, I recalled with relish, was the frigid Iowa winter which would hopefully eliminate at least a portion of the clan), there came a man along my path with whom I'd discussed various topics before.

He was, as he put it, a "flaming" liberal, which any rational person readily simplifies as "idiot," and I got the distinct notion that he also had an inappropriate affection for communistic thought. Having barely escaped the clutches of my Columbian drug lo末sociology professor, I cannot say my attitude toward him bore anything more than a slight contempt for his very existence; that is, he need not immediately perish, but, as you all surely feel, the sooner he went about it the better. A moron by any other name, as the expression goes, but our conversations hadn't up to this point末Godless, heathenistic endeavors though they were末led me to make an attempt on his life, nor relive the good old days when holy crusades were still in fashion.

However, and this as in any good story is one ominous however, what I did not expect was what I should have expected. Somewhere in his blabberng, blubbering, almost musical tirade against the purity of conservitivism, God, and Wal-Mart, a twisted phrase, a bitter lymric, a vile strand of enunciations escaped his chapped and bleeding lips. It went something to the effect of (Children, flee the room): "You know...I've never really been proud to be an American."

As one can imagine, my bowels evacuated of their own accord. Were my stupor and incomprehension not so severe, I might have felt a tinge of embarrassment. As it were, the shock and horror gripped me so completely that a trickle of blood escaped my ear and for some reason I had a recurring vision of Santa Clause stalking through an orphanage with an M4 carbine.

My reply must have been at least slightly coherent末I cannot say for sure末because I did manage to acquire what he must have mistaken for an explanation of his blasphemy. The particulars are not so important, but I will strain to lay them out in the most logical fashion possible (and knowing me, brace yourselves for glory). They are: Watergate, Nixon, appointed, unelected, Vietnam, Iraq, Vietcong, medieval warfare, banana bread.

Hold your applause. It took me several hours but I have done the work of Cambrige's faculty from 1954 to the present in one sitting. The results speak for themselves.

I will not test your patience with analyzing his excuse for treason. We all have much better things to do like examine Chuck Norris facts (Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he's never cried.) and melt faces with Metallica albums. Shortly put, I artfully steered the conversation towards travel agencies and the post office. For obvious reasons: plane tickets and passports.

Any human being who dares to breath American air, drain the American economy, and末God forbid末vote in the American democratic process and yet manages to continue existing as a flea-ridden, devil-worshiping, infant-sacrificing, homosexual-loving, anti-American heathen should be manning a probe to Alpha Centauri. It is, after all, the nearest star where contact with a liberal would not be catastrophic to our earth.

I for one am proud to be an American, to make what the kids call "booko" bucks, to shop at box stores, to eat more food than is anatomically feasible, to watch absurd amounts of football, and go to Truthvoice conferences when I know I could be saving for a PS3.

Frackin' liberals,

-A.J.

Hello all.

I've been recently attempting to make a list of worthwile movies that I have seen in the past year. Unfortunately most of them had come out a long time ago, which simply goes to show you where movies are at this point. But here are a few that have my absolute seal of approval. If you disagree, I don't want to see you, I don't want to know you. Get out of my way. (Yes, that was from Dennis the Menace...but I'm serious...we're not friends anymore...I loathe you and everything you do).

1) The Talented Mr. Ripley

While this has some homoerotic undertones, overall I found it a fascinating and beautiful film. It was one of those that I passed in the video store a dozen times before thinking, "What the hell?" And it is a decision I will not soon regret. Matt Damon has sealed his awesomehood in my book with his eerie portrayal of Tom Ripley, a nobody who would rather pretend to be someone than not be noticed at all. Jude Law also soars to my favorites list. (Not to mention the song "Lullaby for Cain" is incredible.)

2) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

This one I had convinced myself was going to be an atrocity much as Azkaban had been. However they pulled it off in fine style, keeping the atmosphere and the excitement alive. Ralph Fiennes did a spectacular job with Voldemort. Michael Gambon had Dumbledoore rolling in his grave, though. Pitiful.

3) The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

I did a review on this one already. If you forgot it, you're a failure.

4) Vanilla Sky

Tom "Can't Stop Smiling" Cruise has done it again. A lot of people trash him for being so commercial, but after Interview with a Vampire and Jerry Maguire, he's a legend in my book. This movie about dreams and reality末though a ripoff of a foreign film (Hey, so was Star Wars, so quit crying)末was twisted, surreal, and plain wonderful. I guarantee if you don't have a stroke you'll love this movie. However, my parents seemed to find fault with it. What do they know? They're old.

5) A River Runs Through it

Whoah. If you don't mind a slower, well-thought film, I'd highly recommend this for kids of all ages. It's the story of a Montana man's life as the son of a minister and the brother of a gambling addict. On the first viewing I didn't appreciate it, but once I saw it again, it skyrocketed to my top ten favorites. Gorgeous cinematography, a great script, superb acting by the whole cast. Top notch, wot?

6) The Godfather parts I and II

Need I say more? I think I saw the first one before, though...

7) The Green Mile

I had seen this when I was very young, but forgot all of it. Now that I sat down and went through it again, I was as impressed and moved as the first time. What an amazing movie. Christians, this one has a special meaning.

8) Serenity

Good old-fashioned sci-fi adventure. While not the greatest movie ever, I wanted to name at least ONE good sci-fi flic in this incoherent rambling of mine. Just a well done production. Good story, good acting (for the most part), and a great special effects team. Worth it.

9) American History X

Edward Norton was a god to me after Fight Club, but now he's a supergod. I'm practically converting to Mormonism because of this guy. And Edward Furlong (kid in T2) holds his own very well. For those among you who have not heard of this, it's about a skinhead who goes to prison and ends up befriending a black man. When he is released, he attempts to save his little brother from the life he lead in the gang beforehand. I think Norton was either nominated or won best actor for this role.

10) AI: Artificial Intelligence

Another one I'd seen before but forgot. Jude Law rocks your face off, and that little kid is something special. It's hard to explain, so just watch it.

Okay, there they are. The next time your wandering aimlessly through Blockbuster, you'll probably have this printed off and ready. Any one of these, as I said, are guaranteed likable. And since everyone likes the same things I do, I'm sure we'll have no problems.

Okay, gotta go practice piano now...

-A.J.

In case you've lived under a rock since roughly 1999, Hollywood has been somewhat lackadasical in its filmmaking choices for the last few years. I know, I know, once in awhile a movie will come out of nowhere and surprise you, but when we're talking in ratios and the sheer number of horrible disappointments ("Troy," "King Kong," "Batman Begins") no one can say with a straight face and make it into Heaven that things couldn't be better.

Two genres in particular need particular notice, and they are quite surprisingly where previous cinema has only managed to churn out classic after classic.

1) Horror. I wouldn't call myself a junkie who would like to melt down and inject Wes Craven DVDs when I get a craving, but can anyone name the last really good horror film to be shot up on a screen in the past few years? "The Ring" and "The Machinist" are about the only two worthwhile productions I can think up off hand. It doesn't mean there aren't others, I'm sure, but on the whole this genre gets crapped on about twenty times a year with teen-scream (copyright that word for me someone) flics that are half the reason so many critics have aneurysms.

Back in the day movies the "The Exorcist" and "The Shining" not only set the standard for the horror genre, but for film in general. Anymore if you cringe even once you've got your money's worth by comparison. And while I'm thinking about it, avoid "Hostel" like "Fag--er--Brokeback Mountain".

2) Sci-fi. No one can say that the FILM industry is doing sci-fi justice. I am told that the old TV has a few long-standing epics that make the cut of excellency that we have come to expect from this genre. However, I think I can pretty much name on one hand the number of really good films that have been done. "AI: Artificial Intelligence," "Minority Report," and "Serentiy" are the only movies outside of "Star Wars" that I would see again.

Anyway, if anyone knows of some good sci-fi movies especially, let me know. Movies as a whole have gone down hill. "Bareback Mountain's" whopping 8 Oscar nominations (all of which it will assuradely win, mind you) vs. Narnia's ZERO are a testament to that.

Until next time...

-A.J.

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

I cannot find the strength to go on anymore. The breeze blows against the stone. Food turns to ash and drink to blood. The light falls in gray shades into moorish crypts of the damned that I will join. Do not cry for me; it was fun while it lasted. But it cannot continue, my friends. I am sorry.

For those of you who must know the reason, first you must understand there are no reasons. There is no reason for anything. The bird flies and falls. The animals wake and sleep. And man walks this restless road in search of something to make his heart warm again. But for those of you optomists dreaming of that distant sunlit shoreline who persist for the knowledge of when and why, I can offer only this small sentiment, and then what must be done must be done:

The Queen of the Damned has ruined my life.

Being a rabid fan of the lovely, masterful adaptation of Interview with a Vampire and then coming upon this horrid piece of filth, I hardly have the strength to type this, my last letter. Oh dear ones, if you could only know the sheer horror of watching my beautiful Lestat wilt into an unknown Transylvanian goon while before he spoke for an entire age of man! Behold! My house is left to me desolate!

And the books by my beloved author who recently found her way back to God (in spite of this movie), not one did they attempt to adapt for this humiliation, but two! Two rich, creamy, succulent novels into a single MTV-style production that has tainted my eternal soul and left me to despair.

How...how could this happen? What would possess a man to slay the brilliance of another? Vanity of vanities. All is vanity.

I have decided how I will do it. I will overdose on Pepsi products, which I loved so much in life while they distracted my wandering mind from the truth. That there is nothing末and there never has been.

Good bye,

-A.J.

This is not a review. I did see the movie.

Whatever you do this Holday season, whether it be converting to Islam or burning down a church, DO NOT GO SEE KING KONG!

This was perhaps the WORST movie I have EVER seen. How any man could spend two hundred million dollars and three hours and seven minutes of my life for this piece of trash is beyond my comprehension. Why did I go to it? Because I had to know for sure if my prophecy would be fulfilled. It was, far more than I expected.

Going in to the theatre I expected a half-decent film simply because they had the money, a few actors that I like, and Peter Jackson who did well with LoTR. I was severly disappointed. The dialogue was atrocious, the acting was abysmal, and the plot末which drug along at an unbearable pace末lacked anything that would make you want to watch another five minutes.

To put it simply, Jackson fans, your hearts are broken. I was getting sick of people suckling at the Jackson tit after his epic trilogy saw so much success. I've said it before and I'll say it again: IT ISN'T JACKON'S DOING! He had the script, the setting, the characters, and the story all lined up末and it was a story, no less, that had been adored for decades. All Jackson had to do was sit in a chair, say "Action" and "Cut" and go on his merry way.

But Kong showed his true colors. This movie was so humiliating that I could barely sit through it.

Long story short, save your money, go see Narnia.

-A.J.

Hey all. I was fortunate enough to go and see a 1:00 showing of Narnia this afternoon, and since I haven't done a a review in awhile末and this movie is one that I'm sure everyone on this site is planning to see, ugh hem末what a more appropriate time to do one?

(Note: I'm not going to italicize the film title out of sheer laziness.)

As most everyone knows, the recent Disney production directed by Andrew Adamson takes the first installment of the well beloved C.S. Lewis series and splashes in on the big screen in a dazzling adaptation which can be summed up in a few simple words: Wow.

Liberalwood isn't going to be pleased with the riveting success that this movie will surely generate. While other such fine films as the queer cowboy movie Brokeback Mountain and the purgatorical Jackson remake King Kong plummet to their self-induced disastrous ruin, Narnia is going to march on to film history. Of course there's no way to know this, but after you've seen the film, you'll know what I'm talking about.

I'll spare you the bulk of the plot details. As you know the story centers around four children sent to live with a professor during World War II. They end up travelling through a Wardrobe into the mystical land of Narnia where a witch has made it winter for a hundred years. There is hope, however, for Aslan the Lion is on the move and is fixing to restore all that once was (though the more you read on in the series you find that this isn't exactly accurate末the Last Battle puts it all right again...but anyway). Through trials, temptations, and betrayals, the two sons of Adam and two daughters of Eve triumph over evil and reign as kings and queens for years to come.

The story, however, is met and matched with the unbelievable score, cinematography and acting that pours like honey from the screen. It's not everyday that you see an uknown five year-old girl act circles around some of Liberalwood's biggest name actresses (cough Halley Berry cough). My personal favorite in this masterpiece would have to go to James McAvoy, who playes dear Mr. Tumnus the faun.

The battle sequence between Aslan (voiced wonderfully by Liam Neeson) and the White Witch (Tilda Swinton), though little more than a footnote in the book, comes to life in such an epic fashion that it rivals The Lord of the Rings trilogy. No, I'm not kidding末I got chills watching it.

The emotional range that the viewer experiences throughout this lollypop of a movie is like nothing I've ever seen. It's like opening one of the gospels for the first time.

The single element of the film that could have been stronger was the character of Peter. The actor wasn't completely incompetent, but he had the emotional range of a very large tree. But even he shined like the morning sun during the battle sequence when he squares off with the Witch (who, on the other hand, was beyond incredible).

Narnia is easily the best movie to come out this year末heck, I'd give it five years if I were hard-working enough to run through every movie that's come out in that time. At least on the first run I'd put it up and beyond The Lord of the Rings. If a Christian needed an excuse to go to a film this year, congratulations, you've found it.

Rating: 9.8/10

Recommended? Good heavens yes!

-A.J.

Hey there folks, I gotta prayer request if you don't mind.

I am currently living with some family friends here in Omaha since at first we could find no apartments that would rent to 18 year-olds. The situation is perfect, I really enjoy the family and there are no complaints. However something bad has happened. The husband of the family has filed for divorce and moved out. They are both believers (though in this case the husband is not showing signs of it), and the wife is being diligent in prayer, and is taking the third step in confronting the issue and getting the church involved (the first two steps have been unsuccessful). I would ask you guys to pray that the husband末who is beginning to drink a little末will see the need for repentance in this situation and that the family will be rebuilt. There are various facets to this, as with any divorce, but on the whole this is all the more I feel I can say. The wife has done what she can, asked for forgiveness for the wrongs she admits she did, and the rest is in God's hands.

-A.J.

I'm taking bets people. I'll wager my everlasting sou末a small portion of my dignity on this: King Kong is going to blow chunks. For Ghandi's sake, it's a movie about a big gorilla. You've seen Jurassic Park, right? Then you've seen this. And I got news for everyone, the first King Kong sucked, too. Just because Peter "Long and Boring" Jackson managed to hold together a pre-existing epic story that has been loved for decades doesn't mean he can turn dirt into pancakes.

And so Jack Black might throw a few chuckles our way, so what? It's still a movie about a big gorilla. How entertaining could that possibly be? We all know Jack Black is going to die, the big gorilla is going to ascend the sears tower with a screaming Naomi Watts, and Adrien Brody is going to give us another round of his usual pure, unadultered sucktitude.

You might as well take your $8.50 and buy yourself a couple packs of Marlboro 100 reds. Suck the cancer in through your lungs instead of your eyes. Or I suppose you could get three packs of Swisher Sweet Perfectos. Mmm...perfectos...

But like I was saying, Harry Potter IV ruled. King Kong is worthless, no matter how many millions you can piss away on run of the mill special effects.

-A.J.

Good news, sisters and bros, I just got another job at a theatre. In fact, it's a much bigger theatre at 24 screens and counting. I was hired a few nights ago and informed that my free movie passes begin immediately (say, tonight). Needless to say I was all smiles as I flipped up my laptop here to take a gander at the list of potentials. After I hit the gym, I thought, what could be more relaxing that sitting down with a glass of water in a comfy movie theatre seat and adding another movie to my expanding mental collection.

So I got on rottentomatoes.com末my second oft-visited religious site末and typed in my zip code (which I won't repeat for all you stalkers), and a second later the list appeared.

My eyes began the slow descent, picking of titles one at a time. "Don't know it, don't know it. No way. Nuh uh. Not gunna happen. Yeah right. Seen it. Nope...no...noooo...noooope...good Ghandi no..."

And so it continued, one after the other, until the strangest thing happened. I reached the end of the list. Were that in and of itself the only factor, this blog would be needless. The scary part, friends, was that I had descended to the lowest part of the list, and my mind was left to me desolate.

THERE. WAS. NOTHING.

Imagine, if you will, my sheer panic. The delusion setting in.

"It can't be," I muttered, and laughed nervously. "I'll末I'll read it again. Aha!"

So once more I poured over the list, this time clicking the unknown titles and reading the review summaries and synopses. Again, I came up empty. Tears filled my eyes, and I wept over Hollywood, for it had failed me yet again, and at a theatre so large, no less, where such a failure seems impossible when the tickets are as free as salvation.

Can someone tell me what the devil is happening here? How could twenty-four possibilites all be denied! It isn't right! So after a few minutes of cutting my arms with a rusty paper clip I sat down here to present the question to you fine people. I know the movie industry produces a lot of flops, but the problem is chronic. There hasn't been anything truly worthwhile to come out in months.

I'll go bankrupt if I continue buying DVDs at the rate that I do, but these people are cutting me no slack. I know we're about to get some good ones here in a week or so, and that's what keeps me from despair. Narnia, Harry Potter, and even the new Saw movie are ones I'll go to, but for the past few months, it's just been pathetic.

If you've got rental recommendations make'em fast, because I hit the gym in thirty minutes...

-A.J.